Love Is Blind, on Netflix is an imperfect piece of reality TV that captivated many of us this last little bit. It was uneven and a bit confused about it’s own format, but there were parts of it that were more ‘real’ than almost any reality scenes I have can remember. I will focus on the part of the show that was spot on and refreshing as it relates to psychology and ignore the bits of it that fell flat (like the horrible and tedious last three episodes).
The flap about continuity set off by VPR’s Hairgate (take a peek here: https://therealitytvtherapist.com/index.php/2020/01/17/reality-malfunction/ ) has renewed the debate about what is “real” in reality TV. As a result the amateur geniuses of the interwebz have begun to sleuth out the other seams in the fabric of tinseltown’s paper thin facade, and lo’ they have discovered clues that are leading some to believe these ‘real’ shows are actually infused with a little bit of forethought, artistry and curation. Well, they are correct, and thank god. I hope we are still a few years off from VPR becoming just Scheana’s YouTube Vlog (though I’m all in the second Raquel does hers).
Love is Blind was captivating because of the schadenfreude of watching two people fall in love without seeing each other, which was strange and distasteful and off-putting. Off-putting perhaps because we all like to imagine that our love is special and different and that it could never possibly rise out of a silly stage set reality show (pardon me, an “experiment”). Naturally the subjects had to be kept in isolation because one conversation with the outside world would have ruined their Kool-Aid buzz. As it is, the meetings with the outside world after the couples had fallen in love was painful enough. That the couples stay together at all is testament to the power of the trauma bond.
In fact, I bet the producers were surprised as hell at how many couples actually did fall in love. I wonder if it was like the moment when Trump was elected. He honestly looked surprised and shocked – I bet you that was how the producers felt when they realized that their premise actually produced some viable love-zygotes. Take for example that in my therapy space there are many individuals aching and yearning for love and affection and they cannot find ANYONE. The pool here in LA of young singles ready to mingle is mind boggling, yet these people can’t find a suitable person to date, let alone their forever lover. Little did they know that all they needed were 10 members of the opposite sex and a recording booth separated by some fabric ripped right from the set of Star Trek.
The production company no doubt had done some kind of exhaustive R&D that proved it, or maybe they just watched a few seasons of the Bachelor and said to themselves,”Yes, ‘content creators’, ‘managers’, ‘business owners’, ‘entrepreneurs’ and other completely vague ways to say unemployable people will tooootally fall in love if you combine alcohol and camera crews with these peoples’ projections.”
Projections, people, it’s all about managing the projections. Our organism is so finely tuned to the visual messaging of the face and body that when in front of another human we receive huge amounts of data that allow us to make judgements in ways that would be difficult to quantify. I do not think they could reproduce the ‘experiment’ as they are fond of calling it without isolating the two individuals as they did. The show puts forth the concept that it is because the two people are not judging one another and actually getting to know the real person. I think this is false and a very romantic retelling of reality. If there is anything ‘fake’ about the show it is the assumption that this method of dating reveals who we really are and therefore creates better matches. What actually happens is that with a blank screen an individual is able to project their perfect mate onto a voice and voila: love. Once projections grab hold of someone it is nearly impossible to break free from them. Have you ever tried to convince a friend that their relationship was over and to watch them cling to, even after it has been ripped from their cold dead hands? That is the power of projections.
In the therapy rooms of the world the 7 year itch can be observed. That is an old fashioned crude way to describe what happens between 5 and 9 years of coupledom when in our patriarchy the male begins to get an itch to have consort with another partner outside of monogamy. The partners may indeed be bored of one another or have other legitimate gripes about hoeing the marriage row. Yet what is actually happening is that the projections that originally hooked the couple into a partnership are weakening and eventually are withdrawn and it is at this point that the “real” person is left standing naked before you. It is like a psychic IUD…time to change it out.
What is REAL about love is blind is that the projections really do possess the couple…and the result is that they really do (in some of the couples) believe that they are hard in love. Not only do they speed date, but the internal process of a couple’s arch on their way to the withdrawal of the projections is sped up too. We see the initial goofy falling in love bubbles and butterflies. We see the awkward first kiss. We see the first cuts of shame and flashes of anger. We see the first miscommunications. We see the swing and misses as the couples attempt to repair or impress or to reverse course. In short we see REAL conversations as couples fumble through a relationship. Because these couples are so heavily invested in the idea that they are IN LOVE they take it all deadly serious and their emotions are raw and on the table ready to be filmed. In any given relational reality show we may see one raw REAL relationship scene a season if we are lucky.
It is no wonder that when the show moves into the final episodes (the dreadful wooden weddings) things fall apart. The logistics of marriage and the realities of cohabitation, extended families, finances, and the ‘real world’ have a way of crushing projections. In addition the producers attempted to switch the game up and pretend that the altar was the place the couples would finally decide if they were in love – which pulled the rug out from under the viewers because we were having so much fun KNOWING they couldn’t possibly be in love but drunk on the projections and the crazy ways they insisted on hanging onto them (or the way they were slipping away for others). Perhaps if the producers knew more about psychology they would know that they already had the ace in their hands and didn’t need the tawdry wedding porn.
I am looking forward to the next season, though I doubt that now that the cat is out of the bag they will have the same success in convincing their subjects OR their audience that the love we watch is real. Yet I have learned to NEVER underestimate the power of projections.